All right, folks, I’ve had it. I’ve really, really had it. Bad enough you insist on my fuzzy logic face after a week… but you want me to be scruffy on my birthday? You want me shaggy at Christmas? Forget it! No way. It isn’t going to happen.

Shame on you parents who went No Shaving In December. Your babies don’t need to grow up thinking it’s cool to be Cro-Magnon. It’s because of you that Geico makes all their money: first, you make the Gecko cooler, then you take a whole fifteen minutes to save money on your car insurance. Most people take twelve minutes, tops.

Therefore, I must break my months-long silence and say Nay! There shall not be No Shaving In December! (I love the double negative. Don’t you?) Instead, by decree of a member of the Dogbert’s New Ruling Class, there shall be… No Shaving In April! Let us imitate our Glorious Leader’s furriness at a time when it’s not so cold outside! (Or so hot in Antarctica.) Let us itch baldly where no itch has been scratched before, leading up to the release of Star Trek Eleven: The Search For Shaving Cream!

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, this is my April Fool’s post for the year. Really, did you think I’d be shaggy at Easter, either?